Wednesday, 28 February 2007

I (over)think, therefore I am (forever lost)

My ipod ran out of battery.
thats not enough to explain the anguish.
my i pod ran out of battery far from a source of energy able to bring my saviour back to life.

i hate when that happens. I really do.
It becomes very clear to me that i am a sociophobe. I think i hear my friends cracking up somewhere far off.. but its true...
i may be sociable when it comes to certain situations and places... I'll socialise over a drink, i'll spark up a conversation with the bartender, or i'll go up to someone and ask about their shirt or their hair colour or whatever.. I have no qualms..
except sometimes..
sometimes i just dont want to face anyone.. I dont want to hear someone talking, i dont want to think someone is calling my name and turn around (and that happens a lot.. the voices in my head seem to be getting better at that)
sometimes i just dont want to hear the most banal talk spewing out of the mouths of my peers.. it depresses me..
not that i dont say banal things.. but there's banal, and there's "banal"...
I feel exposed and naked without music blocking everything out. I wonder if thats normal..

but the worst thing about it all is probably that I tend to start overthinking. The voice in my head that is constantly talking to me becomes louder. And trails and turns and squirms and rolls over and twists and convulates.
I start jumping from one thing to another and overthinking and judging myself and wondering and and and ...
i guess this doesn't really sound like a bad thing.. but when you're drowning in it.. it's hard to not be afraid of it..

So i sat in the cab on the way home.. Musicless, and feeling cramps in my stomach.. and all i could hear was really bad bad arabic music crackling on an annoyingly low volume so that it's not clear, but clear enough to drill a hole in my brain, and the cranking and banging of the motor...
and my thoughts are going haywire.
I can't follow them anymore.. I'm overthinking..
its official..
i'm overthinking.. and i'm getting down.. and depressed.. and just thinking about it is depressing me so I'll shut up..
but yes... the moral of the story is

damn i pod batteries..

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