Wednesday, 28 February 2007

chasing ghosts (or demons) with alcohol (or lack thereof)

I had a horrible day today.
Started with a fight with my mother the minute she woke up. Not just a quarrel, but a fight fight. one that reminded me of the overly dramatic fights that used to happen 5 or 6 years before..
I had been in a bad mood the minute i woke up too.. I had a dream that agitated me.. it was a dream of people i was trying to forget, and situations long gone.. Wishful dreaming despite the attempts to amputate the wish for lack of probability, want of sanity, and need of relief. i dont want to hear their names, dont want to know anyhting .. i want them to disappear.
the cowards way out i kno. But at least i'm brave enough to say i'm a coward.. whatever
A beautiful dream under different circumstances.
..fucking circumstances..

so after removing my self body and mind from a house full of emotional highs and dramatic confrontations, I (as usual) armoured up with my music, and marched steadily and firmly to uni for a meeting with my advisor.

I'm working on my FYP this semester.. (final year project) the semester i graduate and start living (if only). My thesis concentration was on mythological creatures and my take on their representations.. and it all started from a personal love of these creatures, especially unicorns that had captivated since i can remember...
anyway.. this was my second meeting with my advisor, and we were discussing what i want to do and all that.. and he stopped me today.. he told me that something i told him last time had stuck in his mind.
i had told him that when i see an image of a unicorn.. my eye somehow felt complete.. I was happy, and awestruck and warmed with the glow of beauty.. sounds ridiculously corny or whatever.. but i couldnt care less what you thought about this..
anyway.. so he tells me how i'm someone romantic.. and a "lover" in search of a beloved.. and how a lover always ends up burning as a result of this constant pursuit.. constant search that either ends in disappointment or never actually ends..
i couldnt help myself.. i started to tear up.. i guess it was the result of the whole morning and night.. and feeling like crap..
I guess I do feel that way in a sense.. incomplete until i can love something or someone. In my past relationships i've always been the one "in love"... or been the one whose outlasted the other when it came to being "in love".... I think perhaps i'm just in need of being loved back sometimes.. that its no longer a matter of who it is.. but a matter of the love itself..
i dont know. I'm spewing words now in incohenrent sentences and thoughts that are just banging against my head and its hurting me sometimes to think or even try to catch them..

in the meantime i guess I'll just have to burn...

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