Saturday, 16 June 2012

football: notes & observations

I'm not really one to write about football. I'm no fanatic and my knowledge doesn't really go much further than knowing who wears what colours, and a few names. But I do enjoy watching a game every once in a while. Doing this has resulted in many a conclusion deduced by observation during this year's 2012 Euro Cup around Beirut. I couldn't help myself.

It's very possible more points will be added to this list as the games continue... So keep an eye out.

1) Don't mess with Germany supporters. Ever. Those dudes are nuts.

2) A lot of Italian supporters tend to be of the female variety. You can tell this by the "Oooh"s and "Yiiiii"s every time there are closeups on the field.

3) Swedes are sore losers.

4) It doesn't matter how many times you explain it to me, I still don't understand offsides.

5) Footballers make the most ridiculous faces.

6) Slow motion replays look so dramatic and serious that it ends up looking epic. (slightly makes up for point 5)

7) Angry Swedish sounds funny. (check point number 3)

8) There are more Germans in Lebanon than I realised. They stand up when their Anthem is played. And they really do drink a lot of beer.

9) Flags flood the city. They're everywhere. Cars, shop fronts, bars, facebook profiles, mopeds. Well, every flag but the Lebanese one.

10) Sleazy, snide remarks vocalised by Lebanese men during Russian games are guaranteed. During closeups of the female audience of course. Good to know macho stereotypes are still alive and kicking.

11) The Arab commentators speak at the rate of 10 words per second, volume control is lost on them, and the amount of knowledge they have about the competing countries is scary. Screw the history books, you want to know about a country? Watch a game, listen and learn.

12) The music a DJ plays after a game is directly related to whether or not the team they're supporting wins or loses. You better hope it's the former. (Trust me, I would know)

13) Nearly every Lebanese viewer has a back up team in case their primary one loses. This confuses the hell out of me.

14) When someone's team of preference is not playing, their choice of who to support during a game is usually NOT the team their friend/s is/are supporting.  Team choice is a weapon of mass spite/taunter.

15) Lebanese supporters of the French team forget how to speak Arabic during games.

16) French supporters automatically sneer dismissively at you when you say you're an England supporter. They must've forgotten they're French supporters.

17) Every player with a remotely Arab name is pointed out with pride. Relentlessly.

18) While Lebanon was playing to qualify for the Asian Cup, #GoLebanon was trending on Twitter, and a waterfall of support flooded all social media. Well, at least till the Euro Cup started.

19) Cristiano Ronaldo is a douche. That's a fact no matter how many times he changes his hairstyle during a match.


20) Ibrahimovic is 1 metre 95 cm tall. Do not discuss football with anyone who takes it literally and gives that reply when you say "Oh my lord that dude is a giant! How tall is he??". Anyone who has that amount of information about football is dangerous, and could probably bury you.

21) The amount of female supporters a team has is porportional to the number of good looking players it has. And their average collective hair length, of course.

22) If you are out somewhere that isn't showing the games when a match with Germany is happening, don't fret. Hear those loud shouts in unison that happen every once in a while? That's a goal for Germany. Count them, and you know the score. (note:if Germany and another popular team are playing, the Louder shouts will always be Germany)

23) The chance that someone who owns a BMW is a Germany supporter is very, very high.

24) Sorry France, but quesadillas are way yummier than snails. Viva España.

25) I was wrong. Italian supporters are way nuttier than the German ones. It must be the Mediterranean in them.

26) Apparently a good hairstyle is not a factor in how successful a football player you are. Look at Balotelli.

27) If their team hasn't made it to the finals, the Lebanese tend to support whoever is against the team that kicked their team out. Hence all German fans became Spanish, and all the French fans supported Italy.

28) No. 27 doesn't apply to women. They still go for who has more good looking players/coaches (refer to point 21). The dilemma was Italy vs Spain. I swore I could hear heads explode.

29) At the end of it all,  at least we'll still have pizza.

1 comment:

tincanspoet said...

shrewd observations.

I support any initiative that would put you on a sports show - or any other show for that matter - your looks are to blame for my assertion. :)