Monday, 2 April 2007

building walls and breaking bridges

it seems i'm unconsiously building walls these days.
to protect something thats been scarred.
But walls cant go up without breaking bridges.. and it seems i've done that too.

But what can i do when the walls are being built for protection? which type of protection? I'm not sure. It could be that i'm protecting myself from others.. and others from me.. But in doing that.. I'm breaking the bridges that friends use to reach me. And i have no control.
I feel i've become like a wild animal that has been cornered.. (hah. painted in to a corner.. referencing my previous post) and i have began to lash out, unaware of who i'm scratching, who i'm attacking, just aware that i'm overwhelmed, over my head, and a sensation that i'm drowning, and in need of air to breathe.. and theres no air around.

Its hard for someone to admit when they're is wrong when they are faced with it.. And its harder for someone to admit it when they're aware of the fact that they're wrong... and i think admitting when you're wrong when you know it, but are not in control of it, is the most humilliating..
Perhaps part of you realises what is going on, but hopes that those around you either understand automatically, or just simply don't feel that you are doing them wrong.. So as to save you having to explain that you are unaware of the reasons behind it..

Its getting complicated i know. I apologise..

I guess i want to tell whoever found themselves falling through a broken bridge, that i'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

But i can't control the cornered animal within me. I dont know what to do with it, I'm trying to stroke it tame, to feed it, to starve it, to love it, to hate it.. I want it to either leave me, or love me and those around me.

Till then.. I'll try to bark less, and bite even lesser. (that must be wrong gramatically.. But its ok. you can forgive me)
Just help me, when i bark or bite.. Don't run away scared.
throw me a bone.. maybe it'll help.

i just hope they don't give up trying to cross broken bridges..

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